In light of the recent never-ending discussion of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, one fact about the soon to be (maybe by next year) Broadway musical. $60 million. It’s been no secret that the show is costing somewhere in the ballpark of $60 million.
Who in their right state of mind would make a Broadway musical on a movie budget?* Better yet, what show would I mount on Broadway with $60 million? Cue the list:
1) Wicked: One of the highest grossing and most popular musicals of all time is my first choice. The show’s numbers suggest that the production is doing something right, but I feel like the show can be bigger and better. First, the flying monkeys. Love them to death, but they look a little cartoony. I suggest finding actors that don’t mind being in a show for a long time and instead of strapping wings on them, we surgically attach fully functioning wings to them. Also, Glinda damn well better be riding in on a real bubble, the Tin Man will be made out of tin, Elphaba needs to learn how to fly without a cherry picker, and there best be a lion around. Top it all off by gold-plating the chairs in the Gershwin theatre so that the whole place looks like the yellow brick road and it’s a hit.
2) We Will Rock You: Resurrect Freddy Mercury. Enough said.
3) Batman: The Musical: Everyone knows that Batman is a better character for a musical than Spider-Man is. Besides that obvious point, think about it. What could possibly be better than watching Batman chase the Joker around a scale set of Gotham City… while singing? Dear lord, with $60 million you might even be able to get Adam West to put on a costume… Poison Ivy’s. Don’t tell me I’m the only one that longs to see that. Really? Well alright then.
4) Titanic: I might venture to say that this is one of the more misunderstood musicals of the 1990s, but an interesting piece of theatre. Give me $60 million and I can promise you that you’re going to need a theatre big enough to hold a scale replica of the Titanic. Add in an iceberg that crashes down from the ceiling (Thank you Andrew Lloyd Webber), a hydraulic lift that plunges the ship beneath the stage, and a good enough water pump to fill the audience with ice cold water and we’ve got a fun evening for the whole family.
5) The Little Mermaid: Alright, so maybe it wasn’t everyone’s favorite piece of theatre, but for $60 million I’ll just build an aquarium for the kiddies. Once a week I’ll dress the fish up and play the movie over the intercom.
Alright, investors, make me an offer.
*Yeah, we all know that Julie Taymor is the obvious choice, even if she had never touched Spider-Man.**